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A
Commitment That Lasts
©1997-2004 Edie Pereira Hulbert
and Spirit of Small Business. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Relationships drive many people and understanding how they work can
be a full time job. Successful relationships make us want to get up
in the morning and face the day with joy and excitement. Creating lasting
relationships is thus very important to many people. The biggest factor
in maintaining a lasting relationship is commitment, to each other and
creating a mutually rewarding bond between two people.
When a relationship begins, the attraction feels incredible and we begin
singing and smiling all day. You may even call each other in the middle
of the night and realize that you were thinking of each other at exactly
the same moment. Then you begin to see each other every day and you
become comfortable. The law of familiarity says that if you are around
anything enough, you begin to take it for granted. First there are fireworks,
excitement and passion and then you get caught up in your job in life.
How do we avoid this happening in our relationships? First realize that
the trap exists. Knowing that, you can handle getting too comfortable.
Working at making everyday as exciting as the first day you met will
make your relationship unstoppable. Second, monitor your moods when
you are around each other. Don't allow negative moods to become associated
to the relationship; this is the biggest reason for breakups. For example
you get into an argument, the anger becomes associated to the other
person. If this happens consistently, you begin to associate that feeling
to the person. Learn ways to communicate and set up times to talk to
each other and use the "I need your help" intro to assist
the two-way discussion. Third, learn how to interrupt each other's patterns.
If you feel the mood becoming negative, set off a trigger to change
it. Create a phrase, a special word, a special look which will make
the other person smile or at least alert them to what is happening.
Surprise each other, play with each other, make life an adventure and
make it fun. Keep spontaneity alive and trigger excitement in some way
every day. Fourth, work at the relationship, not on it. Create moments
that won't be forgotten.
Discover your partners love strategy. Each person has a certain trigger
which creates a feeling of love, whether it is a look , a single spoken
word or a touch. Understanding and knowing these triggers can transform
your relationships. There are visual, auditory and kinesthetic triggers.
In the beginning you trigger all three sensations. You take each other
places, buy each other things and you touch each other everywhere. As
time goes by, we often fall back to our personal love strategy and we
forget to give the other person what they need. In order to find out
what their love strategy is, simply ask them, "Can you remember
a time when you felt deeply loved? What happened to create those deep
feelings of love? Did someone show you by buying you things and taking
you places; telling you they loved you in a specific way?" you
must find out what is important to them so that you can meet their needs.
Lastly, everyday, ask effective, empowering questions. Such as, "How
did I get so lucky as to get you in my life?' Work at creating magic
moments. Special moments like... jump up spontaneously and go to the
beach. Give what you most want to receive in the relationship What you
give, you will receive.
The quality of the relationship comes down to the quality of your commitment
to making it work. Nothing in life that has any value can be created
without absolute commitment to making it work. Many people think that
if they commit to a relationship, then they loose their freedom. If
you are truly free, then you are free to commit to a relationship that
can last. The more deeply you can share with another human being, the
greater the quality o the life you live. So take the time to identify
exactly what you want in a relationship. Write it all out and be very
specific, identify exactly what you would like the relationship to be
like. Take time also to identify what you don't want. Be totally clear.
Focus on the goal and the beauty of a loving positive relationship.
You will indeed realize that what you focus on, you will receive.
"What we've given, we'll have forever... What we've failed to give
is lost to eternity."
John Wooden
From The Rochesterian, January 1995.
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